The Truth About Magic, Paul, and Other Dead People
by SarahCullen17
Summary: One-shot. A spoof cowritten by me and my brother. Edward refuses to have sex with Bella, and he finally tells her why. The truth is rather shocking. Not meant to be taken seriously. Eclipse AU. A parody by all means! Rated T for sexual references.


**This story is a collaboration between me and my sick, twisted little brother who claims Team Billy. It is not meant to offend anyone. If it does offend you, please stop reading and close your browser. If you're sick and twisted like us, leave a review and tells us what you thought. We had a lot of fun writing this on a really bad night.**

**This is NOT my usual writing. My stories are usually serious and full of love. This is just a spoof we came up with.  
**

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters. We just pervert them and make them contract communicable diseases.**

**Set in Chapter Twenty of Eclipse...  
**

"Bella, would you please stop trying to take your clothes off?"

I stared up at my love, hurt. Why was he denying me so much? He was perfect, and I trusted him completely. What was wrong with me?

Was I too ugly for him? Was my brown hair too plain? Was I too short? Was I so pale that I looked like a corpse? Were my boobs too small? My butt too big? Was I…fat?

"Why, Edward?" I whispered. "Don't you…love me?"

He sighed and rolled his eyes. We had been through this eighty-million times. He was obviously growing bored with it, and that pissed me off. "Bella, I love you. That's why I'm doing this. I want to protect you. Can't you see that?"

"I trust you, Edward Cullen!" I screamed, dramatically throwing myself down on the mattress. "You've practiced so much self-control with me! You won't break my bones or break my pelvis and you can't knock me up!"

He sighed. "I guess it's time for the truth to come out…"

I looked up at him. "What? Are you gay? That would explain so much…I mean, the sparkling…and the eyeliner…and the fact that _you don't want to have sex with me!_ Every guy at Forks High wants to have sex with me except for you!"

He glared at me. "No, Bella, I'm not gay. I'm a virgin. I swear. I'm only partially attracted to you…I mean, I'm totally attracted to you. Not Jacob Black…even with those fine abs…or Mike Newton. That's just…um…gross." His beautiful golden eyes grew distant, and he stared at my charm bracelet, gazing at the little wooden wolf that Jacob had carved me. _Is he…thinking about Jacob's fine abs?_

"So what's the truth?" I asked him, shrugging the thought off. Jacob did have nice abs, and nice pecs, and nice biceps, and nice triceps, and nice…well, we won't go there. I wouldn't hate Edward for being jealous, especially since he had a gut like Robert Pattinson. It wasn't like I was going to be in a tiny tent with Edward and Jacob anytime soon…

Yum. The sexual tension in _that _scenario was making me want to try to rape Edward again.

Edward let out a dramatic breath and hid his eyes. "Bella…you know that I used to drink the blood of humans."

"Yes…" I said, wondering where he was going with this.

"Well…one time I was in New York because I wanted to try out for a Broadway production."

The sinking suspicion that my fiancé was gay crept up on me again.

"And…" he hesitated. "I…met a pretty famous basketball player…"

"No way!" I screamed. "Yao Ming, right?"

He sighed. "Not exactly…"

"Then who, Edward? Michael Jordan? Did you get a free pair of tennis shoes?"

Edward glared at me. "No, Bella. It was Magic Johnson."

"Eww," I shrieked. "The guy with AIDS?"

Edward stared down at the sheets, nodding softly. "Magic Johnson smelled like…well, magic. And I would know, because I've watched enough Daniel Radcliffe and Robert Pattinson movies to know what magic is. And Bella, sweet Bella, my teeth just couldn't resist. So I…jumped him. And drank from him."

I raised an eyebrow. "Edward…what are you talking about? Magic Johnson is still alive and well. Well, except for the AIDS thing…"

"No," Edward shook his head. "No, Bella. That's a substitute. You know, like when Paul McCartney died…"

"Paul didn't really die," I said. "That was just an urban legend."

Edward exhaled sharply. "That's what they all say! Now quit interrupting me before I pull out the canoe paddle! Paul McCartney really did die! He met Jasper in a dark alley."

My eyes widened. I really _was_ surrounded by killers. "Anyway, the Beatles got a substitute who had plastic surgery, and now the fake Paul McCartney is married to a one-legged prostitute. Wait, they got a divorce…I think that was because of Emmett. Anyway, moving on. I killed Magic Johnson…and they got a substitute for him. Really, Bella, are you surprised? Have you ever seen an AIDS patient who looked so…healthy?"

I shrugged. "Charlie has sheltered me. I've never seen an AIDS patient."

Edward closed his eyes. "Well…you have now."

"Wait, what?"

He nodded slowly. "Yes, my love. I have AIDS because I drank Magic Johnson's blood. Carlisle diagnosed me. When you think that I'm hunting animals, I'm really getting treatment."

I frowned. "So that's why you won't have sex with me? You don't want to give me AIDS?"

"Well, not exactly…"

"Then why, Edward?" I asked, sobbing at the fact that I was about to be eternally hitched to an AIDS patient. And at the fact that this extraordinarily handsome AIDS patient wouldn't butter my freaking muffin. And to top it all off, it wasn't because he didn't want to infect me…it was for _an unknown reason?_

Edward suddenly stared into my eyes, glaring. He was also growling, which kind of frightened me and turned me on at the same time. "The reason I won't beat your cakes like Michael Jackson is because I already have AIDS. _**And I don't want your crabs!**_"

I gasped. "How did you know?"

He rolled his eyes. "Are you that dumb, Bella? My father is your personal doctor!"

* * *

_Enjoy. Don't let this story make you want to avoid my other stories. They're nothing like this._

_And if you have a sense of humor and actually enjoyed this, leave a review. We really don't feel like getting flamed.  
_


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